More than a year later... I decided it was time to resurrect this ol' blog. And in a weird twist, I have decided that David Coulier should grace this resurrecting post. The reason, I'm sure, will make sense by the end of this post.
For anybody who is just joining the blog -- or for anyone who doesn't remember a blog post written more than a year ago (um... me!) -- let me give you a 10 second synopsis of what you've gotten yourself into.
I started this blog in February 2012 with the idea that it would help me discover everyday happiness in my own life, as well as help me answer that ultimate question: what do I want to do with my life so it will bring me lifelong happiness?
I've been doing some soul searching lately. And -- as is usually the case when Britt starts soul-searching -- I'm getting my groove on through my writing.
Obviously, a lot has happened since May 3, 2012. Reading through my old blog posts turned out to be an interesting study in Brittology and it's fascinating to read back through my old words to find so many things can change over the course of a year. And yet so many stay the same.
First, the changes: I transitioned into a new position at the YWCA. I was "promoted" (as much as you can be in a non-profit, I suppose) to a Case Manager role with the Passages program. I still work for the transitional housing program, but now I work much more closely with my clients. I work with about 20-25 clients from the women shelter at any given time. Now, instead of assisting clients only with their employment goals, I meet with them weekly to support them in achieving all their goals, which usually run the gamut. Employment, financial, housing, psychological, emotional. And everything in between.
I can probably guess what you're thinking -- because it's the same response I get from most people when I explain what I do.
"That must be so fulfilling."
If that is what you were thinking, please kindly deposit $10 into my checking account because I must be a psychic and my services are for hire (and while I did get a meager promotion -- I still need the cash). Palm readings are $15. Crystal ball will be $20.
Yes, my job is very fulfilling. And I love it.
At the same time, it is also incredibly taxing. Because I don't want to invade on any of my client's confidentiality, I won't go into specific details on what I see on a day-to-day basis. Every day usually includes some sort of crisis -- whether that is someone making suicidal comments, someone relapsing on drugs or alcohol, someone exploding in a fit of rage, or someone having a psychotic break. All of it has become pretty normal.
And I think that scares me the most.
Which leads me to the things that haven't changed all that much.
Things that have stayed the same: Until the last couple of weeks, I have still felt like I'm waiting. Waiting for what? I'm not sure. But I think it comes eerily close to me waiting for someone to just give me THE Answer.
You know which answer I'm talking about. The one where someone finally tells you what you are supposed to do with this damn thing called life.
Reading over my previous blog posts, I've realized that I have genuinely become happier since I started writing this blog almost two years ago. I still have my days where I wonder if the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree and if my Oma's genes have doomed me. But most days, I feel happy.
No. Maybe, happy isn't the word for it. Most days I feel grateful.
Over the past few months, I have grown closer with my co-workers, I have reconnected with several close friends I previously fell out of touch with, and my relationship with my family has never been closer. In fact, my family has actually grown with the addition of a new sister-in-law (more on that later).
I am happy (pun intended) to report that I have a much healthier relationship with Facebook. I have finally gotten to the point where I realize it's ridiculous to measure myself against the Facebook images of others -- and I say the word images with two meanings. Firstly, I no longer view photos incessantly, wondering why I didn't reach that milestone before so-and-so did. Secondly, I realize that all anybody does on Facebook is create an image -- not just through their photos, but through the words they post. We do not see a true portrayal of someone through Facebook; we see only their best version of themselves. (That scares me sometimes, since we all have that one FB friend who does nothing but complain. Is that the "best" version of themselves they've got?)
It sounds silly to say I feel happier having taken a giant step back from Facebook, but I can say positively that it's the honest to God truth.
Overall, I'm healthier and happier.
And yet, when I look in the mirror, all I see is utter and complete exhaustion.
Mind you, it's not just my imagination. I can actually see the physical changes occurring to my face -- most noticeable are the dark circles under my eyes that never seem to go away, despite how much sleep I get.
I know it's my job.
I know, I know. Everyone complains about their job. But believe me when I say, you won't believe the s*it I've seen. Some days, people's lives are literally in my hands. And that is wayyyy too much pressure for one person to handle, man!
I've known for a while that I need to do something about it. But there's been two things getting in my way. Those two things are:
1. Despite the grief and exhaustion it causes me, I still genuinely love my job. Or I guess I should say, I love helping people and seeing that expression on their face when they succeed.
2. I was waiting for someone to tell me the next step, as I had yet not been able to figure it out on my own. I was that baby who just wouldn't walk, but could speed crawl like nobody's business.
Yep, I was taking the lazy way out. I couldn't figure out what to do or where to go on my own. So instead, I was waiting for someone to give me an out. And the funny thing is, when you're waiting, you can end up waiting for a longgggggg time. You get set in a routine -- and while it may actually be slowly sucking all the life out of you, you continue to wait. And since it's your routine, you convince yourself that what you're feeling is normal and just part of the job. All the while, your face gets shallower and the shadows under your eyes get darker.
What's funny is I didn't really notice it until I had a moment removed from it.
I mentioned earlier that my family recently grew with the addition of my new sister-in-law (who kicks ass, bee tee dubs).
My brother got married at the end of October. I was excited for his wedding and excited for the time away from work. While the wedding weekend was a whirlwind and a ball of stress of it's own kind, I felt happy and... light. I enjoyed spending so much time with my family. I enjoyed not having to worry if a client was relapsing or taking their psych medications. I enjoyed myself.
However, the night before returning to work at the Y, I was hit with what I can only describe as a brick wall of anxiety. It's a strange feeling when stress becomes a physical feeling in your body. All that lightness gets suddenly crushed by a dropping 500 lb. dumbbell.
And when I found myself trapped under that dumbbell, I finally came to a conclusion: no more waiting.
Something has to change. And I have to be the one to change it.
One of the biggest differences I've noticed from reading over my old blog posts is I now realize there is no "shortcut" to happiness -- which makes the title of this blog suddenly obsolete.
Sometimes it takes a long time to reach happiness. Sometimes, as seems to be the case for myself, happiness comes in stages.
In the first blog I posted on February 22, 2012, I wrote the following phrase:
"So here I am, asking myself the question. 'What is it you really want to do because it makes you happy?' "
Since February 2012, I've concluded two things pertaining to this question:
1. Nobody is going to give me the answer, no matter how long I wait. I'm going to have to go out and discover it on my own, which means taking a few risks, a few chances and (gasp) possibly failing -- which is a strange and unknown concept for me.
2. I need to "cut it out" (DOH! There's the David Coulier tie in you were waiting for) with the all-or-nothing thinking. I may not find out what I really want to do with my life... today... tomorrow... or next week. But I can do what makes me happy right now and see where in life it takes me.
Stay tuned...
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